Gretel Killeen: Put up, or shut up... actually just shut up.

photo: www.behindbigbrother.com

It seems that Big Brother prankster Michael has had to spend the last 24 post-eviction hours explaining to the nation that he isn't a homo. The reason he had to do the explaining was a suggestive bit of footage aired prime-time on Sunday night that looked like he was planting a big wet one on Brokeback Mountain man David in the bathroom.

In a live, on air exchange with host Gretel Killeen, Michael attempted to explain to viewers that the editing on Sunday night gave the wrong impression and that had the footage run longer it would have been clear to viewers that the event was a practical joke. Gretel, being a rank apologist for the sleazebags that produce Big Brother could not of course let him make his point. Her counter-argument to Michael's claim that editing of the footage misrepresented the event was that the producers didn't 'edit' the footage. And she insisted on interrupting him mid-sentence on trivial, pedantic points of language that served only to interrupt his ability to make his fundamental point. Gretel...get fucked. If you choose when the footage starts, when the footage stops and which camera it comes from then that counts as 'editing' in the context of Michael's argument. I have no doubt the the footage was timed to be as sensational as possible. What I can't believe is that Killen had the gall to claim that it wasn't. She claimed that Michael's assertions about editing were an unjustifiable attack that could only be taken personally by her on behalf of the hard-working, slimey turds that produce the show... assertions that reminded her of her own children's. Well if your kids are shouted down with misguided semantics from a woman who takes pride in the production of a TV show mentioned in parliament for plunging to new depths of public bad taste, I'm going to side with them... shut the hell up.

Bogan Crisis: Wankers on the Rise.

Wankers, Bogans
In-depth Analysis using Google Trends proves in fact that the world bogan index is on the decline. This disturbing trend is sparking fears with me that wankers may soon force all of us to give up meat pies and VB. Importantly the rise in the wankerism trend correlates strongly to the All Ordinaries Index prompting this bogan to begin warnings of a stockmarket crash. With this many wankers in the system pumping share prices something's got to give, BHP Billiton wasn't built on Chardonnay you know. Mark my words, 2008 is going to be a bad year for all those BMW driving show offs with more taste than brains.

Big Brother 'AO' Vs 'Uncut'
Host Gretel at the outset seemed to make quite an ineffective effort explaining to us viewers exactly how different the new 'Adult Only' version of Big Brother is completely different to the weekly sleaze-fest screened last series as 'Uncut'. As far as I can tell though it (thankfully) has only been an excercise in re-branding with the standard of programming continuing to live up to last season's highs (or lows depending on your perspective). The exception to this seems to be the regulation of alcohol consumption - I think that's un-Australian. Boony wouldn't have set the record if Qantas had adopted that policy. What other potential areas of world's best practice are being stifled by Big Brother's oppression?

I also want to question the censor's policy on the Live show broadcast late at night. About a week ago I tuned in before Letterman was due to come on to see the Brokeback Mountain character on big brother explaining exactly how challenging it is being a homo on a farm. He was explaining that a fair proportion of rural gay blokes top themselves and in fact it wasn't that long ago that he found himself sitting in a ute with the barrel of a 12 gauge in his mouth... [beeeeeeeep], [cut to Late night host with some SMS competition] ... What the? Facing numerous bad-taste arguments the producers argue that the show is a valuable excercise in exploring the psychology of Australia's youth and not a cheap, drunken boob-a-thon. Yeah right. Maybe they'll now argue that the show is actually doing the young bloke a favour by putting him on 24 hour live suicide watch.

Land Rover 1, Toyota 0.
With the price of fuel skyrocketing through $1.40 a litre it was time to get the car muddy. Some state forest near Leongatha was the venue, Bruce brought his Land Cruiser - and a healthy dose of accelerator pedal. Pictured is Bruce's car stuck in a conundrum uphill from resonably serious tree - can't go up because there's no grip, can't go down becuase of the tree. We had the following stuff:
A chainsaw
A Land Rover with a winch
Two snatch straps and a pile of shackles
A Shovel, an axe and miscellaneous other stuff that takes actual skill/effort to use.

What we didn't have:
Refreshments.

We ended up winching the car sideways but I don't think that was the right thing to do.

What should we have done?
	Been boring and winch the car sideways.
	Liberate Bruce's car by cutting the tree down with the chainsaw.
	Drive into town with the other car, buy explosives, remove the slope in front of Bruce's car.
	Let Bruce's tyres down and set them on fire and do 4WD burnouts because that would look cool
	Call the RACV/Jack Absolom/Alby Mangles/ Steve Irwin / Maj. Les Hiddens/MythBusters to get their advice
	Cry.
	All of the above - just to be sure.
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